Question Three - What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?

I’ve obsessed about so many things over my life…people…things…situations. Usually, it centers on tragedy: a person dying, serious injury, a catastrophe of some kind. I have been diagnosed with OCD, but I’m not sure where to distinguish that mental illness from the obsessions and compulsions of addiction.

In my OCD, I’ve learned that obsessions and compulsions are from a feeling of being in chaos…out of control…somewhere in my life. Through therapy, I’ve learned that feeling of perpetual chaos stems from the sexual abuse I went through in a relationship with a boyfriend. I had no control at that time, and have spent every day since trying to feel in control.

In recovery, I’ve learned that the obsessions and compulsions center on my need to feel OK inside.

Maybe that’s the difference: the drugs are internal, the OCS is external...maybe.

So, what is it like when I’m obsessing? It’s all mental chaos. Usually, it starts with the “what-if” scenarios. “What if I stumble and fall? What will happen if_____?” Then, it turns into “If I’m not hyper-vigilant, I WILL fall. I’ll hit my head, my brains will fall out, and I’ll be a vegetable for the rest of my life. I catastrophize everything.