Question Eight - Have I been obsessed with a person, place or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationship with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally by this obsession?

The thing I've been obsessed about...well, obsessed? I don't know. I know I've been depressed about it, but obsessing over how to solve the issue? I guess maybe. It's the whole wanting children situation. I don't think about it day and night, but there's not a day that goes by in which I don't think about it.
The constant obsession is driving me crazy! I can't get it out of my head. I either want to change the way I feel about it, have God take the desire away, or go solve the problem on my own. I shared at one of my meetings that my philosophy has been "it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission", and that's kinda where I'm sitting right now.

Spiritually, it's making me wonder if I've heard correctly. It's making me doubt whether I heard from God or it's just my own wishful thinking.

Physically...ugh...all I want to do is eat. But, then I get sick from overeating and feel like crap.

Step One – Powerlessness and Unmanageability

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

~ Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.

So, I've been addicted to drugs since I was a teenager. I started at about 14 years old after being sexually abused by a boyfriend. I couldn't admit that I was an addict until a good friend died. That shocked me into a moment of clarity: I needed to do something different. So, I checked myself into treatment...Intensive Outpatient Program...and began attending meetings. My first meeting was in AA. I liked it because I fit in with the women there. Soon, though, I found myself at an NA meeting and have stuck around ever since.

I have a sponsor and we're working on my first step. We've gotten together once and read the first step in the book titled "It Works: How and Why". I've started answering the questions in the guidebook. I started out hand writing everything, but my hand gets so cramped...and besides that, I type WAY faster than I can write.

Hence the blog...

Occasionally, I will be vlogging as well. It's just a different way to express myself...especially when English words don't match.

So, here I go...

Question One - What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?

It’s actually quite a relief to know it’s a disease rather than a character defect. Having a disease means treatment is available. It means I get to choose to accept that treatment or not. It separates it from who I am as a person, to what I have as an affliction. It means the obsessive, compulsive, uncontrollable behaviors are reduced to symptoms of an underlying disease, each of which can be examined, learned about, and dealt with.

Question Two - Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

I very much have seen my addiction active recently. I’m obsessed about surfing the internet. I’m compulsive about smoking. My first reaction to stress and anxiety is to eliminate my feelings rather than learning about them and learning more healthy ways to deal with them. I’m also a compulsive over-eater. I love food and it loves me back. It definitely is my other best friend.

Question Three - What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?

I’ve obsessed about so many things over my life…people…things…situations. Usually, it centers on tragedy: a person dying, serious injury, a catastrophe of some kind. I have been diagnosed with OCD, but I’m not sure where to distinguish that mental illness from the obsessions and compulsions of addiction.

In my OCD, I’ve learned that obsessions and compulsions are from a feeling of being in chaos…out of control…somewhere in my life. Through therapy, I’ve learned that feeling of perpetual chaos stems from the sexual abuse I went through in a relationship with a boyfriend. I had no control at that time, and have spent every day since trying to feel in control.

In recovery, I’ve learned that the obsessions and compulsions center on my need to feel OK inside.

Maybe that’s the difference: the drugs are internal, the OCS is external...maybe.

So, what is it like when I’m obsessing? It’s all mental chaos. Usually, it starts with the “what-if” scenarios. “What if I stumble and fall? What will happen if_____?” Then, it turns into “If I’m not hyper-vigilant, I WILL fall. I’ll hit my head, my brains will fall out, and I’ll be a vegetable for the rest of my life. I catastrophize everything.

Question Four - When a thought occurs to me, do I immediate act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

I’d have to say, this answer depends on the thought. Most of the time, a thought triggers another thought triggering a string of thoughts. Those strings lead to the compulsions. Centering on using, yes, I behave compulsively. When I’m faced with stress, the unknown, new environments, I automatically thing “I have to change it”, which led to me using.

Today, when I’m in the same predicament, I no longer turn to my DOC. I am able to make a different choice. However, my “different choice” is usually overeating – to the point I want to purge – but can’t. I still want to change the situation, the way I feel, the environment. In fact, when I was at the movies, I had to sit down because I couldn’t stand for an hour while waiting for a good seat. My first reaction was to grab something to eat to look busy. I was at a BBQ: I ate compulsively in order to not appear uncomfortable. I still want to change everything, and have turned to eating to do that.

Question Five - How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?

Here's the funny part: I never thought of myself as self-centered. I still am not convinced. But, what I do know is that now that I am not using, I can't do jack shit. I feel more dependent upon people now more than I ever have in the past. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't even shower. I don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth. Oh, yes, I do. It was the morning I woke up and couldn't stand my own breath.

I do get up and go to work. I work part time, 2 days a week for 2.5 hours a day. But, the responsibilities I have at home...I don't do them. I can't. I have nothing to "help" make my head stop spinning and going on and on and on. So, why would I think that my using was self-centered? I used in order to calm myself down...center myself...enough so I could do the things I needed to do.

I guess I struggle with this question. I really don't know how to answer it. Maybe Kelly can help me figure it out.

Not going as I had planned...

Today, I'm SO frustrated with my family situation. I live in my parents' home. We ALL have depression. We ALL have mental issues that prevent us from doing certain things in life...like living independently. But, it seems like some are using that more than others as an excuse to not do ANYTHING around the house. I get up, go to work, come home, and no dinner is made...even though there's food, drink, and time to do so...and that's their job. I have an unfinished bedroom, complete with exposed drywall and mud. I have the paint, sand paper, rollers, bedding...everything needed to complete the room, but someone is too busy working on projects for other people, or just hanging out in the "cave".

I really do not look forward to coming home anymore. I'm so fed up with things.

Ok, I just came back from a baby shower for my cousin. She is due in about 3 months. My other cousin, her sister, she, and I were close growing up. They were like my little sisters. I told them, when they got to be about 10 or so, that neither of them could get married before I got married. Well...that was about 15-16 years ago. And, guess what...both of them are married. AND, both of them are mothers. Well, one will be a mom in 3 months, the other had her baby in January. So, both of my worst nightmares have come true. I am going to be alone and childless for the rest of my life. And, the frustrating part is that I have tried for SO many years to get the house cleaned up and repaired so I can pass the home inspection for fostering and adopting, and EVERY time I come close, SOMETHING comes up. E-V-E-R-Y time!!! We run out of money for the home repairs. We have no people to help us get the stuff done. We have no energy to do the things we need to do. Something in the world is trying to tell me I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I have it all wrong and I'm NOT supposed to be married. Maybe I'm NOT supposed to be a mother. Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm not cut out to do this.

Maybe...

That's where I am right now. I'm going to do a little step work to see if that will help. I'm probably going to call my sponsor, too. She's been pretty good about calling me back and walking me through these things. Of course, I haven't really had a crisis in my life since she's been my sponsor. But, she's been amazing so far. I'm blessed to have her.

Question Seven - What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?

I think my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently in my overeating. Also, after talking to Kelly, I remember my birthday is coming up and I'm a huge ball of emotion right now.

Also, I've been dealing with a LOT of emotion around not being married or having children. So, with those emotions come thoughts of failure, defectiveness, and unworthiness. Those are the exact emotions I've been trying to avoid for the past 22 years. So, my addiction has been manifesting itself in overeating around those emotions. I want to change the way I feel and the only ways I know how to do that is to pop a pill or eat a bag of chocolate...OR...go to CraigsList, find a dude willing to have sex with me, and get pregnant. That way, I can at least have a child.

The thing with this whole situation is this: A prophesy was given to me that I would not be alone. The details of that prophesy were specific enough for me to know that it meant a husband and children. I was 16 years old. I'm now 36 years old. I wonder two things - did I misunderstand what God was trying to tell me, or is God screwing with me? Either way, I feel my faith wavering. Not in whether God exists or not...of that I am sure...more of what is going to happen to me from here on out. I've been of the mindset that "I have to take care of myself" for so long that right now, it feels that way again. Maybe I have to take matters into my own hands? Or, do I wait for God to do His thing...and possibly end up dying an old, unmarried, bitter woman without a family to care about?

That's where my addiction is showing itself...