Quetsion Sixty-Six: How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?

My prior knowledge kinda kicked my butt...I came to the rooms of NA, my head was so screwed up. Inverted humility...crazy thinking...I had a lot of mixed up thoughts about everything. Working this step, though, is helping me to sort of some of those thoughts.

My experiences have always been doing this kind of thing for someone else...writing my answers based on what the questioner wanted to know. I wouldn't have been able to write freely and openly what I wanted to write.

Question Sixty-Five: What is my understanding of Step One?

Step One has shown me what powerlessness and unmanageability look like in my life. I've always heard the stories of addicts living under a bridge, waking up with needles in their arms, etc., but never saw those kinds of things in my own life. But, my life has been unmanageable...and I am powerless over my addiction...as well as many MANY other things in my life.

Step One has laid the foundation to move on to improving on myself. Without acknowledging a problem, there is no place for improvement.

Question Sixty-Four: How do I know it's time to move on?

Well, it's time for me to move on because, through writing out the answers to these past 63 questions, I have come to understand how my addiction and using got so out of hand. It also has taught me a bit about myself and how I was and how I've changed. And, because I've been able to see that, I have peace about moving on.

Question Sixty-Three: How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?

Acceptance is pivotal in my recovery. Acceptance of my disease is critical in my recovery because I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease and it wants to kill me.

Acceptance will also lead me to be ready for the remaining steps.

(Did you like that nice segue?)

Question Sixty-Two: Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay clean?

Yes, absolutely! I know that I will be in the rooms for the rest of my life. Will I continue at 3 meetings a week forever? I don't know. For right now, that's what I need.

I know that I will always have a sponsor.

I know I will always be working my steps.

I know I will always have a homegroup.

I know that I will always have some kind of service position.

I know I will always have someone with me when I go to the hospital for pain meds.

I know I will have my sponsor with me at surgeries.

And, that's OK with me.

Question Sixty-One: Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict?

Yes. That wasn't difficult for me. What has been difficult for me is thinking I'm enough of an addict to belong in the rooms.

Question Sixty: How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step?

Humility has always been a hard one for me...not in feeling humble or acting humble...it's feeling TOO humble. K, that really didn't make sense, but let me explain.

So, growing up in the church, humility was always taught as a positive thing. However, I had an example of humility that was out of balance and unhealthy. My former Pastor's wife practiced her humility out in public. She was always commenting on how lowly we had to be in order to glorify God. Which, in essence, is true. However, I believe (only because I have learned about being "right-sized" from the rooms of NA) that the wailing and gnashing of teeth, the parading around with saccloth and ashes...that's not humility...that's an inverted sense of pride. But, from the time I was 14 years old, that's what I saw as the example of humility.

So, from that time on, I internalized that example and took it to the extreme. I always put others first...I always made sure everyone else was happy, taken care of, loved...because I thought that's what I had to do.

Since joining NA, I'm learning that it's OK to put myself in the mix, too, yet remain in a mindset of servanthood. Balance...it's all about balance.

Question Fifty-Nine: Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society as a whole? What is that sense.

I don't have a good sense of my own importance to my family and friends. I've always struggled with feeling less than, but I'm learning through NA and working my program and these steps, as well as listening to others share at meetings, that I am just right-sized.

Now, what does that look like? No clue! I know that my parents and (most of) my family loves me! I've alwasy been uneasy that no one really likes me. That's one thing that my parents have done for me: taught me the difference between liking someone and loving someone. I NEVER questioned whether they loved me or not. I ALWAYS, on the other hand, questioned whether or not they liked me...liked hanging around with me...being in the same room with me.

Society, I've never fit in. From the time I was little, I was always just a little different than everyone else. I was taller, I was scrawnier, I was brainier, I was fatter, I was shyer...I think that's why I appreciated working in classrooms with Special Needs kids. I hated recess as a kid, so I'd go into the Special Ed room and work with kids during my recess...then go back to my class when recess was over. I'm grateful for those experiences because they made me who I am. I've always been on the outside looking in.

Now, however, I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in...except in NA. This is the first place I've felt 100% welcome and not judged. I have no problem going in, sharing what's on my mind, welcoming the newcomer, and doing service work BECAUSE I've been welcomed from day one.

I'm trying to take the sense of my importance from NA into my everyday life. It's a slow process, but I can already see the change from 1 year ago.

Question Fifty-Eight: Do I believe that I'm a moster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between?

I feel like my addiction has been pretty much inconsequential to everyone around me. The reaction of my parents and my treatment counselor was proof of that fact. Neither believed me when I told them. No one in my family believed me when I told them. In fact, the only people who believed immediately when I told them were the people in meetings.

Looking back, I know that society at large was affected. Every job I have had I've been terrible at. When I was at work, I could do my work. But, when my attendance started going downhill, others had to pick up the slack, clients were affected, my boss was forced to find someone else to do my job as I was slacking.

When I started stealing my drugs, my mom was affected. I stole her pain meds, then lied about it to her, convincing her that she had taken them or misplaced them.

So, yes, though I thought my using was private and didn't affect anyone, it truly did.

Question Fifty-Seven: Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?

Recovery already has my best effort. I go to meetings. I'm finishing my steps. I'm working with newcomers. I'm following the suggestions given to me.

Question Fifty-Six: Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?

I already have made that commitment. I have 3 meetings I go to every week.

Question Fifty-Five: Am i willing to follow my sponsor's direction?

Yes, I'm willing to follow my sponsor's direction. She hasn't led me astray so far!

Question Fifty-Four: In what ways am I practicing open-mindedness?

Every time I hear something I don't know about, I get to ask questions. I get to tell people about my story and listen to their story. I've always been pretty open-minded about listening to people. I grew up with the philosophy that I can learn from anybody: either what TO do or what NOT to do.

Question Fifty-Three: What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me?

Yes, actually. I asked what "sit through your feelings" and "feel your feelings" meant. I didn't know how to do that. That's the cool part about this program. I get to ask questions...

Question Fifty-Two: Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?

I do, actually, appreciate the freedom that comes with not having to lie. I never thought I lied out of maliciousness. I lied because I needed my medication. I needed my medication in order to function. I needed to function in order to take care of everything and everyone around me.

Now, I don't have to take care of everything and everyone around me. I never really had to do that, but I thought I did. Now, I'm learning how to ask for help when I need it. I'm learning that I don't have to do everything. And, that brings freedom.

Question Fifty-One: Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction?

I believe that by going to meetings, hearing other addicts talk about their lives, challenges, failures and victories, has kept me in touch with the reality of my disease.

Question Fifty: Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?

No, I can't continue my recovery without complete surrender. I just know I'll need some help with it. I'll need direction, explanation, and encouragement in how to surrender.

Question Fourty-Nine: What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?

I'm not sure what my life would be like. It would be scary for me seeing as I've never done it. I've always been in control of my life and what goes on around me. It feels, sometimes, that surrender is the same as resignation, and I don't want to live in resignation.

Question Fourty-Eight: Can I begin my recovery without complete surrender?

No, I can't. I just can't figure out how to do it completely. I'm working on it...

Question Fourty-Seven: Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?

Yes. I do. Recovery is a life-long program for me.

Question Fourty-Six: What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything? What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore?

I'm not afraid of the concept of surrender. I just don't know how to do it very well.

I have only become convinced that I can't use successfully recently. The farther away I get from using, the more clear things become. I have been miserable for the last 20 years of my life. I thought I was using successfully. I used in order to function. I used in order to supress my feelings so I could live. But, I've become increasingly aware that I was not living.

Question Fourty-Five: What reservations am I still holding on to?

I don't think I have any reservations. I have made the decision to keep my recovery first in my life.

Question Fourty-Four: Do I think that with some amount of clean time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my using?

No. In the last 22 months, there's one thing I've learned is that clean time doesn't equal recovery. I've also learned that recovery isn't dependent on how my circumstances are.

Question Fourty-Three: Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?

No.

Question Fourty-Two: Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can i still go to the places where I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?

I was a loner while I used. The only people I surrounded myself were my doctors who gave me my drugs. I've never wanted to test my recovery or remind myself about what it used to be like. I was so miserable that I never want to experience that again.

Question Fourty-One: Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?

I believe I have. But, I haven't faced much since I've been clean...no tragedies or the like.

Question Fourty: Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or supress?

Well...

Yes, I took drugs to change and suppress my feelings. I think nearly all addicts do that. And, that's something I've found to be true in recovery is that the details of our behavior may be different, but we all have pretty much the same reason for doing them.

So, what was I trying to change or suppress? Everything. When I was 14, I met the boy of my dreams! He was a senior when I was a freshman. He was literally tall, dark and hansome. He was a Deaf boy and I was in love! At that point in life and school, I had been teased and at the bottom of the food chain, so when a senior paid attention to me, I was in heaven!

After about a month, things started changing. He began to be controlling, manipulative. I, of course, didn't want to make him upset for fear of him leaving me. So, I began conforming to what he wanted. He wanted me to wear certain things, do my hair a certain way, do my makeup a certain way. I obliged because he loved me and I loved him.

Eventually, though, it got really out of control. I was hanging out at his house one day and he pinned me to the bed. Granted we had been making out pretty heavily, but I did NOT want to have sex until we were married. But, he wouldn't have anything to do with that. He told me that if I didn't, he would hurt my family. I couldn't let that happen, so I gave in.

I shut down my feelings at that moment. That was the only way I knew how to do what I was doing (out of protection of my family) and still live with myself. And, that's when I started using.

So, I was trying to change all of my feelings - - getting rid of all of them: shame, anger, fear, love, self-respect...all fo them.

Question Thirty-Nine: Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.

No, not really. I know that sometimes my emotions and feelings can be overwhelming and confusing, but in general, I can recognize that they are just feelings and will pass. Most of the time, I don't know what to do WHILE I'm feeling them.

Question Thirty-Eight: Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.

Physical altercations? No. But, stealing my mom's pills indirectly harmed her because she didn't have enough meds for her own pain.

Question Thirty-Seven: When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.

N/A

Question Thirty-Six: Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my healthor with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.

I've always ignored my own health, "knowing" that I'm not worth taking care of. But, never ignored the health of my family.

Ignoring my own health has caused me to develop chronic conditions, like Fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, etc., that I discovered only after stopping using.

Question Thirty-Five: Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responsing to every situation with panic?

Sometimes I do this. Although, I'm getting SO much better at it. My knee-jerk reaction is panic because I've done that for so long. But, I'm in counseling to learn how to deal with it.

Question Thirty-Four: Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult?

No. I don't usually take challenges in life as a personal insult. What I do, however, is take it as my "lot in life" because I struggle with feeling worthy.

Question Thirty-Three: Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

I completely fall apart when things don't go right. But, I'm learning to manage life on its own terms.

I have such anxiety about life in general that I get outside help, as well as meds, to learn better behaviors.

Question Thirty-Two: Do I accept responsibility for my life and actions? Am I able to carry out my daly responsibilities without becoming overwhlmed? How has this affected my life?

When I first got clean, I was a MESS. I couldn't do anything but go to treatment and meetings. Now, I am starting to be able to deal with life as it comes. All of this i have leanred through the program.

Question Thirty-One: Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?

I consider the needs of others almost to a fault. I tend to put others' needs before my own to the detriment of my own needs.

When I did not consider the needs of others was when I was stealing my mom's pills. The thing is that she didn't know about it. Well, not until she ran out, but I convinced her she had taken them and wasn't remembering. That was pretty bad.

Question Thirty: Do I insist of having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?

I don't feel like I have to insist on having my own way. I, actually, tend to give in to others' way instead of my own.

Question Twenty-Nine: What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?

I really didn't have many friends, and I was ok with that.

Question Twenty-Eight: What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?

I started using at 15, my freshman year in high school. From that point on, school went downhill for me. I failed out of nearly all of my classes. I had so few credits by the end of my sophomore year that my advisor informed me that I did not have enough time to complete all I needed to graduate...even if I took extra classes and did summer school. It was only through Running Start that I was able to graduate. I stopped going to classes. I did the work only to keep myself occupied, but never turned it in. I cut off my friends. I quit calling anyone...quit answering the phone.

Now, work has been the same. My attendance at all my jobs has been TERRIBLE! Sometimes I just didn't go because I didn't want to. I justified it because I was "sick"...just not sick enough to stay home from work.

Question Twenty-Seven: Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything i could have been arrested for if only I was caught?

No.

Question Twenty-Six: What does unmanageability mean to me?

Unmanageability has been a tough one for me. I used so I COULD manage everything. Granted, I didn't manage anything as well as I could have. My mind was in such chaos that I couldn't think straight unless I was loaded. There was too much going on inside me, and outside me, that I couldn't function without using.

However, I have learned throughout this program that unmanageability can mean so many things. For me, I think proof of unmanageability is my lack of ability to keep a job for more than 2 years. I've had 22 jobs since I started working at age 17. The longest I've kept a job is 2 years and 4 months. And, I've "quit" nearly every job I've had...not because something better came along, but because I knew I was getting fired. My attendance sucked! My motivation was good, but my follow-through was awful. And, sometimes I just didn't feel like going to work...so I didn't, and blamed it on a migraine - which I've had since I was 10 years old and have legitimately had to miss work because of them.

I've also had unmanageable thoughts. The reason I started using was because of a DV relationship I was in at 15 years old. I have used something to numb the pain every day since - be it pills, food, computer games, school...whatever. I have spent every day since trying to prove I'm worth being here - worth the air I breathe - and have failed every time.

Ok, after re-reading the question, I realized I've answered the next 3 questions but not this one!

Unmanageability means the inability to keep things going on my own. It means that I do not have the skills, ability, or tools to take control and responsibility for my life. It means the lack of desire and ability to take care of myself, making sure I'm healthy, in order to take care of my responsibilities.

Qustion Twenty-Five: How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others?

Well, since my addiction was to pain killers, the damage done to my body is enormous. I have arthritis through my joints that I never knew I had. I think that's the most I've hurt my physical body.

Now, spiritually, that's another thing altogether. I know that my using has caused a wedge between me and God. I know that for a fact because I have never felt close to God. Maybe when I was a young teen at camp or in youth group, but on a daily basis, I have never felt like God loves me very much. I was actually talking with my Dad about this yesterday. I've always felt that I'm not quite good enough. I don't do enough. I have to do more so people and God will love me more. I've felt like my relationship with God was very much like a step-child in that, yes, I'm technically part of the family, but still on the outs because I really don't belong. I felt like God has said "Well, OK, you can be my child if I HAVE to". And, that's not a relationship. It's an obligation. I've always felt like a burden to people and God.

Mentally, I've put off dealing with so many things that I lack the ability to handle my emotions. I even have trouble naming what emotion I'm feeling. I'm getting better, but it's still hard. For so long I've either been angry or depressed, or feeling nothing. So, when the new feelings come up, I haven't experienced what to do with them.

I'm not sure how I've hurt others. I was SO good at hiding it. My parents NEVER suspected I was an addict. They were in shock when I confessed it. So, I guess I would have to ask them if/how they were hurt.

Question Twenty-Four: Have Hvae I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last vey long? What were these times like?

No, I have never tried to quit using. I tried to quit smoking, but not using my DOC.

Question Twenty-Three: Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?

I don't think I manipulate people to maintain my addiction. I'm a pretty solo user.

~ Doctors and ER rooms are my drug dealers.
manipulating doctors.

Question Twenty-Two: How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction?

I become completely self-centered. I usually don't show it outwardly, but it's an all-consuming attitude.

Question Twenty-One: What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?

The stealing part...see the last question.

Question Twenty: I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?

The thing I did that that I swore I never would do is steal my DOC. That's the one thing that made me realize and admit that I had a problem...that my life had become unmanageable. I stole from my mother...her vicodin...without even thinking about the consequences to her. She needed that for her pain. It's not like I didn't care...the thought just never entered my mind. That's when I realized that I had a problem and I had to do somehing about it.

Question Nineteen: Over what, exactly, am I powerless?

Oh, wow...this is a loaded question. I am powerless over so many things. The difficulty is admitting it when I'm in the midst of a powerless situation.

So, I'm learning that I'm powerless over what other people do. My parents, my brother, my friends...I have no control over what they do, think, or feel.

I also am powerless over what happens TO me, i.e. perceived unjustices, prejudices and judgements.

I'm powerless over what the future holds for me.

I'm powerless over what happend in the past.

I'm powerless over when I'm needed at home to care for my family.

I'm powerless over everything outside of myself.

But, I know I'm NOT powerless over how I respond.

Question Eighteen: When did I first recognize my addition as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?

I first recognized I was an addict in September of 2010. I stole my mom's pain pills because I was out and it was a weekend. I've NEVER let myself run out before. In fact, I was HYPER vigilant about it. But, I knew I was in trouble when I stole from her...without thinking about how it would affect her.

Did I try to correct it? Yes...by getting into treatment and starting meetings.

Question Seventeen: What situation led me to formally work Step One?

There isn't a specific situation that led me to work my steps. I've known it's part of my recovery that I need to do. I've just been putting it off for fear of what I will find when I get down to the nitty-gritty.

I guess finding Kelly as my sponsor has helped. She has some good recovery and I appreciate that.

Question Sixteen: What crisis brought me to recovery?

Julie.

I was a Sign Language Interpreter for several years. My last job was with a woman named Julie. She was in IOP and I was interpreting for her during that. She had some AMAZING recovery! She was getting it! She became my friend after only a few months of working with her.

June 17, 2010 she died. I was absolutely crushed. I am not sure what caused her to go over the center line. I have heard many stories, but not anything official. she was high or texting or exhausted. Either way, she crossed the center line, realized it, tried to correct it, but was hit broadside by a huge semi-truck. She was hurt pretty bad and died 5 hours later.

It wasn't until September that I quit using to begin with. But, it was Julie's death that shook my world, leading me to realize/admit I was an addict.

Question Fifteen: Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?

I have been avoiding action because I'm afraid of what I will discover about myself. I am afraid that, once everything has been taken care of, there won't be anything left of me.

I honestly don't care what other people think of me and my recovery process. I'm in this for myself.

Question Fourteen: Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?

No. Definitely not. I know I'm not able to get my own behavior under control by myself. I know that I need to continue going to meetings, reading my text, working on my steps.

Question Thirteen: Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better.

Yes.

I should know better, but I don't. Sometimes I think "how in the world did you EVER get through school when you're so retarded in the every day life things?"

My current manifestation of my addiction is related to food. I obsess about food constantly. And, I fail at bringing it under any kind of control.

Question Twelve: How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?

Boy, do I compare myself to others...and I NEVER measure up. So, usually what happens is I think "well, I've never lived under a bridge, I've never mugged a person, I've never been to jail, so maybe I'm not really an addict". And, not in a "whew, I'm not an addict" attitude. It's more like, I feel like an addict, but I'm not sure I qualify...I'm not sure other addicts think I'm an addict.

Since learning about the behaviors that are addiction, I have come to realize that I am an addict...period. And, it doesn't matter the substance...drugs, people, food, computer games...anything in excess, anything I obsess about, anything I behave about compulsively qualifies me as an addict.

Question Eleven: How have I blamed other people for my behavior?

Oh, geez! I am GREAT at blaming other people for my behavior! Although, I do not blame them to their face...I'm always taking blame/responsibility/culpability for my actions/behavior, as well as some of their behaviors...then walk away and think "If you only knew what I've been through, you'd be just like me".

When I think about the reasons I behave the way I do, I realize that I just don't know how to do life. Life on life's terms...ya, no clue how to do that. So, I blame one person for "making me this way".

Question Ten: Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?

I don't know that I understand this question.

I nearly always act out on my obsessions. I have OCD, so that's a "normal" part of my life. I'm learning how to deal with the compulsions surrounding that.

I'm gonna have to ask Kelly about this one.

Question Nine: Have I given plausable, but untrue, reasons for my behavior? What have they been?

Plausable but untrue reasons for my behavior? I'm sure I have. I think one of the main reasons I give for my behavior is that I have believed (and still do sometimes...depending on the day) that I don't deserve much more in life. Having been abused as a teen, I decided that I would numb everything so I wouldn't get hurt.

I also sometimes tell myself that I'll start better behavior tomorrow, so I have permission to behave badly now.

Honestly, I didn't realize I was an addict because I was prescribed all my DOC and I truly had physical pain...a need for meds. But, I didn't realize I was going beyond that line, crossing over into addict territory.