Well...
Yes, I took drugs to change and suppress my feelings. I think nearly all addicts do that. And, that's something I've found to be true in recovery is that the details of our behavior may be different, but we all have pretty much the same reason for doing them.
So, what was I trying to change or suppress? Everything. When I was 14, I met the boy of my dreams! He was a senior when I was a freshman. He was literally tall, dark and hansome. He was a Deaf boy and I was in love! At that point in life and school, I had been teased and at the bottom of the food chain, so when a senior paid attention to me, I was in heaven!
After about a month, things started changing. He began to be controlling, manipulative. I, of course, didn't want to make him upset for fear of him leaving me. So, I began conforming to what he wanted. He wanted me to wear certain things, do my hair a certain way, do my makeup a certain way. I obliged because he loved me and I loved him.
Eventually, though, it got really out of control. I was hanging out at his house one day and he pinned me to the bed. Granted we had been making out pretty heavily, but I did NOT want to have sex until we were married. But, he wouldn't have anything to do with that. He told me that if I didn't, he would hurt my family. I couldn't let that happen, so I gave in.
I shut down my feelings at that moment. That was the only way I knew how to do what I was doing (out of protection of my family) and still live with myself. And, that's when I started using.
So, I was trying to change all of my feelings - - getting rid of all of them: shame, anger, fear, love, self-respect...all fo them.
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