Well, since my addiction was to pain killers, the damage done to my body is enormous. I have arthritis through my joints that I never knew I had. I think that's the most I've hurt my physical body.
Now, spiritually, that's another thing altogether. I know that my using has caused a wedge between me and God. I know that for a fact because I have never felt close to God. Maybe when I was a young teen at camp or in youth group, but on a daily basis, I have never felt like God loves me very much. I was actually talking with my Dad about this yesterday. I've always felt that I'm not quite good enough. I don't do enough. I have to do more so people and God will love me more. I've felt like my relationship with God was very much like a step-child in that, yes, I'm technically part of the family, but still on the outs because I really don't belong. I felt like God has said "Well, OK, you can be my child if I HAVE to". And, that's not a relationship. It's an obligation. I've always felt like a burden to people and God.
Mentally, I've put off dealing with so many things that I lack the ability to handle my emotions. I even have trouble naming what emotion I'm feeling. I'm getting better, but it's still hard. For so long I've either been angry or depressed, or feeling nothing. So, when the new feelings come up, I haven't experienced what to do with them.
I'm not sure how I've hurt others. I was SO good at hiding it. My parents NEVER suspected I was an addict. They were in shock when I confessed it. So, I guess I would have to ask them if/how they were hurt.
No comments:
Post a Comment