Question Fourty-Six: What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything? What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore?

I'm not afraid of the concept of surrender. I just don't know how to do it very well.

I have only become convinced that I can't use successfully recently. The farther away I get from using, the more clear things become. I have been miserable for the last 20 years of my life. I thought I was using successfully. I used in order to function. I used in order to supress my feelings so I could live. But, I've become increasingly aware that I was not living.